#naked

Exactly one week shy of my 30th birthday I published my very first book. For nearly a decade I've been writing a column called Naked Salsa for Our Town magazine, and I'm so excited to announce that Naked Salsa the book is now available on Amazon! My mom always said it takes 10 years of hard work to reach a big goal, and in this case she was dead on.

To celebrate I'd like to announce my first giveaway! Just download the Kindle version of Naked Salsa, and leave a review on Amazon. I'll put all those names (even those who leave scathing reviews) in a generator and select one lucky reader to receive an autographed paperback copy. (Scathing reviewers are welcome to use it in their bathrooms or birdcages as they see fit.)

If you can't wait for an autographed copy, click the Buy It Now link to the right --->

 
Mobile users might have to view the full web version. 


I want to thank everyone who has helped get this project off the ground, especially P.C. Zick and Albert Isaac, who were not only my editors but also my inspiration to put this thing together.


And I'd like to thank all of you! A book without readers is like a burger without bacon. It exists, but what's the point?


So thank you my bacon bits.

#noobs

I just wanted to say a quick hello to any newbies joining our preschool adventures from Scary Mommy! So happy to have you on board.

Just to catch you up I'm a totally rad fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants mother of two wonderfully adorable little monsters. I started this blog to document some of the hilarious...yeah we'll use the word hilarious...things that my girls do and say. My theory on parenting is that if you can't laugh you'll drink. Sometimes you drink so you can laugh, and that's okay too.


I recently embarked on a side job cooking another mama's bun in my oven, so my blogging time will be split between my preschool problems and Her Eggs My Basket. Being a surrogate mother should provide plenty of preschool blog fodder, especially since I'm not even pregnant yet and my sweet Sunshine likes to jiggle my belly and ask if that baby is done hatching.


So thanks for joining, and I hope you enjoy commiserating in our preschool problems.

#literature

Oh the feels! My child. Flesh of my flesh. She came to me today and asked me to help her write a story.

I'd gone to Target and picked by far the best thing they've ever carried in their dollar section: a pack of blank books. It's just a writer's dream. Yes I could staple my own pieces of printer paper together, but it's not the same. These pages were specifically born to be books! And now my dear Sunshine wanted to fill the pages with her own ideas. *bliss*

She sat down and got to work on some illustrations. Apparently there is a pressing need for a book about My Little Ponies, and she was just the girl to fill that void. She crafted some seriously impressive ponies while her sister stood next to her and softly sang songs about her butt. Optimum creative conditions here.

After a quick lunch break she was ready to get to writing. I started to try and hand write the story, but she's just too fast for me. I grabbed my laptop instead and this is word for word what she came up with:


The Mongoose Scares the Spirits
By Sunshine

Once upon a time in a deep scary castle there was three spirits and three of their pets. A mongoose, a dog and a monkey. They all lived in a spooky castle together. Then one thing changed. They all wanted to make their owner scared. Then Blythe came in with the Biscuit twins, and the Biscuit twins are mean, but then she became friends with them. They changed because Blythe helped them.

They saw the spooky castle and started to run away, but the Biscuit twins realized this was their old house when they were babies. They never knew what it looked like, but it looked awful. So they moved. They became friends with Clyde, and then Clyde said okay let’s be friends. They started to have a sleepover. Then they liked the sleepover and decided to go to Clyde’s house for a sleepover.

The End.

It may not be J.K. Rowling, but it was original and off the cuff. I have to at least give her props for that.

I'm the mega nerd that wrote a children's book for my kids starring them as the main characters. And recently I used them as a test audience for a book I wrote for my future surrogate baby.

My little Sunshine is so bright, so I know that she's going to do great things. I'm dying for her to follow her passion for science and math because those are the areas I really feel I am lacking. I want her so badly to follow in her daddy's footsteps and become a great scientist or an engineer.

But I can't say I didn't love it when she looked up at me in the middle of working on her book and said, "Mommy I want to be a writer just like you."

#surprise

Sunshine is all about surprises lately. My mom always did super fun spontaneous stuff with us and I totally delight in it as well. 

So tonight I overheard Sunshine plotting with Sweet Pea tonight to plan a surprise wedding for me and The Hubs. Precious.

 

I sneak around the corner and ask her what's up. 

"Oh nothing! Just planning a wedding for...Daddy!"

Oh really? For Daddy huh?

"Yeah he met a nice girl down the block. And he's going to marry her. Sorry but he's marrying someone else."

Oh. Bummer. Uhm what's her name?

"Oh umm her name is Fleaona. It's hard to pronounce so I'm just going to call her Mom."

Ouch. Soooo I guess I'm not going to be your mom anymore?

Then she gets a little sad. "Well no but I will really miss you. Fleaona is nice but yeah I will miss you."

Yeah well she sounds trashy. So what am I supposed to do with my life?

"You can marry somebody or not marry somebody. You can just craft or something. Maybe you could just be my grandma." 

And that's how my surprise vow renewal turned me into a divorced crafty grandmother ladies and gentlemen. 

True story. 

Sunshine Says...

I decided to dedicate an entire page of this blog to things that Sunshine and Sweet Pea say. Simply because these two are never-ending fountains of wisdom and inappropriateness.


Check it out.

#sweetdreams

This morning my little Sunshine sat up in bed, rubbed her sleepy eyes and sighed. I know all this because it was my bed she snuggled into at 3 a.m. I asked why she came and got in Mommy's bed last night and she said because she had a dream and wanted to make sure Daddy was back.
"What was your dream about," I asked as she romped around with her sister on the bed. And this was her reply:

In my dream I dreamed there was snow in a grocery store. And angel stuff. I made snowballs and Mimi and PawPaw and you and my sister were there. And Daddy. And I got my ear in the mailbox (WTF?!) and I got snow in my ear (Yowza). But I was OK. My Daddy was somewhere else in the grocery store looking for cake (good man). And I drank Coke. It was at Sam's. (Of course it was)

As the day progressed I noticed that my little darling was being such an angel! Her behavior was so top notch I thought about filing a missing person's report. On our way home from her opthamologist appointment I was singing her praises for such stellar behavior, to which she replied "Well that's what happens when I drink Coke in the night."

Well if that's all it takes is imaginary soft drinks...I've been barking up the wrong tree all along.

#squirrelmilk

So you know that moment when you're about to breast feed a baby squirrel? Well that was me yesterday.
It all started when Hubs found a nest in the nook in our roof. He went to spray insulation in the attic that had been torn out to make said nest, and while he's spraying a baby squirrel jumps through the foam. The poor bugger is covered in this hardening goop so Hubs traps him in a pillowcase. He got as much goop off as possible but Skitters ran off into the backyard with a shell of insulation on his tail and paws. Who knows what will become of him.

So here I am bawling in the laundry room over this little squirrel who might not survive when what do I see out the window but another baby squirrel. Just laying there trembling. Well I'm already in a state because of Skitters, so hubs goes out to check on this one to see if he's hurt. Well little Chipper runs away to our ac unit barking at anyone who dares come near him. Oh and crying desperately for his mama.

Hubs has perspective. These are rodents who have the potential to set our house on fire by chewing wires etc. But all I see is a scared baby whose mama is probably worried sick, and I'm crushed. 

I start trying to research how old these fuzz buckets are, and I decide they're about 8 weeks. They still need mama but will be evicted soon. Still I am concerned. 

My natural instinct is to feed and warm him, but what can baby squirrels eat? Well I note that first and foremost they still take mama's milk. We dont keep cow's milk in the house because of Sweet Pea's sensitivity. She's still taking her mama's milk too. 

So here we are friends. I'm a grown woman searching the house for my breast pump to play wet nurse to a baby squirrel.  

There comes a point in every marriage where your loyalties are tested. And yesterday was that day. It's no secret that I'm a bit of a lactivist. I try to normalize breastfeeding by just doing it whenever and wherever my kid needs it. Not really to make a statement other than "look its a boob. It's working. And it's not porn. And you don't have to stuff dollars in my bra (you can just set them on the bench)." 

And with all his faults and for all the times hubs acts like a real meat head, he has always been a huge supporter of the way I nourish our babies. He's the one who put the bumper sticker on my car that says "if my breast feeding offends you feel free to put a blanket over your head."

So rather than having me committed for trying to save a baby squirrel with human boob juice, he went on about his business trying to find little Chipper's mama. 

I never found my pump, but he found Mama. And the next day I put Chipper's little bed of towels near mama's favorite tree and she found him. 

I was telling this story to a friend and she was dying at the absurdity. But while I see the humor, I don't really see all the crazy? Isn't that what we as mothers should do? Help each other? There's so much judgment and competition between mothers now. Formula vs. breast milk. Natural birth vs. c-section. Rodent vs. human. We're all just mothers. We want to do the best WE can for our kids. Not what other moms can. But the best WE can as their mom.  We want our kids to be strong and smart and the fastest kid on the soccer team. We want them to walk the earliest and talk before they turn 1 and read before they are 3 and color a picture of a bear like nobody's business. 

But above all, as mothers we all want our children to feel happy, healthy and safe. 

So that's what I did. I tried to keep another mother's baby safe. I didn't hand her a pamphlet about the benefits of human breast milk. Her squirrel milk is probably fine. I didn't judge her choice of bedding. Insulation is soft, so clearly those squirrel pups are just SIDS waiting to happen. Especially because I can only assume she *gasp* co-sleeps with them. 

But I passed no judgment on that mama. Instead I looked out for her most precious gift. I had her back in her time of need. Maybe if we all committed to breast feeding a squirrel, the world might be a safer and more loving place. Bring back a sense of community to this harsh world. 

Yeah I'll just be waiting in my room for the straight jacket. I'm about a size 5....Ok a 7. Don't judge me.