Mom and Dad keep dragging me to this rat hole they call Disney World. They get all stupid excited over it so I play along. But by the last day I'm kinda over their B.S. So here are some travel tips for your final day of vacation.
1. Mom and Pop should be rested at this point. They've had an entire week of dragging us around the theme parks. So let's get up super early on our last day. We will be arriving home around 10 tonight so let's set a wake up call forrrr ohhh I don't know...the butt crack of dawn.
2. Mom is busy packing the suitcases so now is your chance to try on any outfits you like. Don't ever agree to the first one she chooses. That's why she brings extras. She wants to see you wear all of them. So peruse the suitcase at will. Don't bother to clean up after yourself. Mom lives for that crap.
3. Don't eat breakfast. It's a waste to eat the junk they already have in the hotel room. Wait until you leave the room for the day and ask for something obscure. Be adventurous and creative in your request.
4. If the bus to Downtown Disney is 45 minutes late wait until you see it rounding the corner before mentioning that you have to pee. Mom always did want to be a runner. No better time than the present.
5. Fight for your right to sit four rows away from your parents on the bus. It's a time to make new friends and they can't monitor you as well from a distance. This works if you have a sibling who likes to choose her own seat as well...four rows up from yours. Divide and conquer friends.
6. Do NOT under any circumstance get into that stroller willingly. It is a 100 lb restrictive torture device that your father lugs around for his own pleasure. Rage against it.
7. Eat only 4 bites of rice at lunch. The parents have carbolicious snacks in the bag for the plane that are way better than "lunch". They keep the best stuff in there to appease you on the flight. Hold out for it.
8. When it's time to head to the airport keep reminding them that you want to stay. A tantrum is warranted. It shows the degree of commitment and love you have for the vacation. Melting completely to the ground is the ultimate thank you for a good time.
9. Fun fact: airports are incredibly fun to run through. Lure parents into a false sense of security by sticking close during check in. Encourage them to check the stroller. Once it's gone run. Be free. Everyone thinks its adorable. Especially security.
10. Voice your grievances while waiting to get through security or to board the aircraft. Anything that's on your mind. Get it out now. In line. Melt into the floor in a fabulously theatrical performance. Scream "let go! You're not my parents!" when Dad attempts to carry you onto the gangway.
11. Once on board establish your space. Don't tolerate younger siblings and their baloney. Don't share your toys. Don't allow them to touch you or your things. Alert parents if this is a problem. Loudly and with gusto. Remember yesterday when you encouraged your sister to play on the metal bars at the Speedway ride and she fell and busted her face open? Now is a good time to open that wound back up. Literally.
12. Order apple juice to drink. When the stewardess brings you an amber beverage stiff arm it. She clearly has no clue that apple juice is orange. She is an idiot and should be fired. Kick the seat in front of you until she corrects her mistake.
13. Drink as much as you can so you can check out those awesome airplane bathrooms. It's like peeing in a closet. Bucket list material.
14. Ask mom if she farted. Many times. Claim she did. Loudly.
15. High five siblings for any extra fun behavior. Dumping an entire Dr. Pepper in mom's lap is high five and a fist bump. She gets to smell like Dr. Pepper but she doesn't need the calories. How grateful she shall be.
16. Approximately 3 minutes before landing send the signal to sibling to check out. Fall asleep on Dad and let sister fall asleep on mom. The juggling act that follows of parents attempting to gather belongings without waking us is priceless. The passengers and flight crew think its hilarious and precious, and mom and dad turn into ninja acrobats. Win. Stay asleep juuuust until you get to the car. Then cry the whole way home because you're tired.
Bonus points if you pee the bed once at home.
